His fear of commitment could be genetic.

His fear of commitment may lie in his “genes” after all, a study finds.

Researchers say they’ve found a genetic variation that may be responsible for weakening some men’s ability to be monogamous, Science News reports.

The study, to appear in the medical journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, is the first to examine whether a hormone that encourages monogamy in animals plays a similar role in male humans, the magazine reports.

Scientists studied gene variations in about 500 men who are in committed relationships. In addition to the gene study, the men and their mates, who had been together at least five years, answered questions about their relationship, including whether they had ever considered a divorce and how often they kissed their spouses.

Looking at a gene that controls a brain receptor of the hormone vasopressin, researchers found that some men who had a gene variation, called allele 334, bonded less with their mates and had more relationship conflict, according to the report.

Vasopressin has been found to play a role in whether certain animals remain monogamous.

Fifteen to 16 percent of the men who had either no copies or just one copy of the 334 allele reported a marital crisis in the past year, Science News reported.

But 34 percent of men who had two copies of the 334 allele reported conflict. Despite the findings, scientists believe it’s a combination of behaviors of the individuals involved in a relationship and genes that make or break couples…

 

Enjoy the rest of this article at http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,415042,00.html

Symptoms of Commitment Phobia

The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves.

Some of the most typical symptoms of commitment phobia involve the commitment to relationships.

Where someone has a fear of committing to relationships, this may happen at the very start of the relationship (or even before), or may develop once the relationship is established

Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship.

In this situation (where the commitment phobic feels the emotional feelings of fear and entrapment), it is often as the result of the partner in the relationship saying that they want to progress the relationship to the next level…  “Let’s move in together”, “let’s get engaged”, “why don’t we try for a baby?”

As already mentioned, there are many, many different ways that commitment phobia can manifest itself, so when we talk about symptoms of commitment phobia, do bear in mind that these are only an indication of the most typical symptoms.

Criticism of a Partner

The person with commitment phobia may be extremely critical of their partner, the environment the relationship is in, or of the relationship itself. 

“We couldn’t possibly have a baby, you chose this house… the house is far too small”

“Why do you always have to bring up marriage now… you know I’m stressed at work? – I get more stress because of you constantly pressuring me… it’s all your fault ”

Using criticism like this is an unconscious attempt by the person with the commitment phobia to deflect the ‘blame’ off of themselves onto their partner. 

“I want to get married one day, but you keep pressuring me too much”.

Taking this one stage further, the person with commitment phobia may end up hurting their partner’s feelings even when no ‘pressure’ is being put on them…

Hurting Their Partner

Often, this happens when there isn’t any ‘pressure’ on the commitment phobic…   they are just attempting to keep the relationship ‘at arms length’, even if this means their partner getting hurt.

It can seem like the person with commitment phobia is attempting to sabotage the relationship, even if the relationship itself seems to be perfectly ok.

An example of this would be turning up consistently late for dates or regularly coming home late from work, without offering any reason. 

“Well, you know I have to work… don’t keep asking me every time I’m 5 minutes late… just accept it”.

Of course, sometimes commitment phobia can affect the person’s behavior even before they enter into a relationship…

Scared of Getting Noticed

Someone with commitment phobia may exhibit behavior very similar to that of someone with ‘social phobia’.

This can mean that the person doesn’t go out much, avoids social situations, avoids eye contact, or simply appears ‘shy’.

The unconscious motivation behind this of course, is that if the person doesn’t meet many people, and then doesn’t ‘engage’ with the people that they do meet, then they are much less likely to fall into the dreaded ‘relationship’ scenario.

If approached, the person with commitment phobia will often just reject the advances of the other person, so that any potential relationship never really has much of a chance to get going in the first place.

They just protect themselves from others getting too close.

Unrealistic Ideals

The ‘distancing themselves from others’ technique that we just mentioned however, sometimes isn’t enough on its own.  It occasionally needs some help from other ‘reasons’ for the person with commitment phobia to avoid a particular situation.

For example, sometimes the person with commitment phobia will inadvertently find themselves getting closer and closer to someone they’ve met, without even really noticing it themselves. 

Sometimes it’s only when the other person seems to want to progress the relationship to the next level that the person with commitment phobia feels the need to ‘escape’ from the situation.

This is where the commitment phobic person may need to employ other techniques of escape.  One such method is the ‘unrealistic ideal’.

They may recognize all sorts of positive aspects in their potential partner, but will still find some standard that the person doesn’t match up to…

“yes I know she’s a lovely person, and that she’d be a great wife, and that she loves me, and that she does all that charity work, and….(etc, etc)…   but she’s a Sagittarius isn’t she…  I couldn’t possibly marry a Sagittarius!”

“I need a wife who’s earning a lot more than she does”

“If only she was half-an-inch taller I’d marry her in an instant”

When friends and relatives tell the person with commitment phobia that they’re being “too picky” and that ‘Mr Right’ or ‘Miss Right’ doesn’t exist, the commitment phobic will insist that they do, and they’ll find them one day.

The Unavailable Partner – The Affair

One of the most certain ways for the person with commitment phobia to keep a relationship ‘at arms length’ is to get into a ‘safe’ relationship.

One way to do this is for the person with commitment phobia to get into a relationship with someone who, for one reason or another is ‘unavailable’ to them in the long term.

One way of achieving this, is for the commitment phobic to enter into a relationship with a married person, or someone already in a long term relationship.  This makes it very unlikely that the person with commitment phobia will then have to face the prospect of that relationship going any further.

In this situation, they are relying on the fact that it is unlikely that the other person will leave their partner to come to be with them on a permanent basis.

If that person does leave their partner of course, that leaves the commitment phobic with a new problem, which may cause them to resort to some of the other techniques talked about here.

Of course, the ‘unavailable partner’ can be unavailable for different reasons…

The Unavailable Partner – The Long Distance Relationship

This one speaks for itself.   The commitment phobic who lives in London and their boyfriend/girlfriend lives in Australia for example. 

The commitment phobic unconsciously ‘knows’ that the chances of that person giving up everything to travel half way around the world to be with them is very remote.   Again, the person with commitment phobia is keeping the relationship at a nice distance.

There are of course, many other ways that the person with commitment phobia can form relationships with people who for one reason or another simply aren’t available to them for a full scale relationship.  The ones we’ve mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg.

They may just form a relationship with someone they ‘know’ won’t be interested in them in the long term, such as…

The Commitment Phobic Partner

For the commitment phobic person, forming a relationship with another person who also has commitment phobia is a pretty safe bet.  The chances of those two people getting together in the long term are quite remote… both partners unconsciously ‘know’ this, and actually, this situation can suit both commitment phobic’s. 

As they both suffer from commitment phobia, this meets the needs of both people, at least in the short term.

Commitment Phobia and the Long Term Relationship

Of course, everyone is different.  One person suffering from commitment phobia might react to it in a completely different way to another commitment phobic.

Each person has their own commitment phobia ‘trigger’… the event or stage of relationship that triggers their ‘fear’.

Some commitment phobic’s do get into long term relationships, and after being in that relationship for a long time, it’s only then that the ‘trigger’ happens, and they feel ‘fear’.

At that stage, someone with commitment phobia might describe the feeling of being ‘trapped’ in the relationship, or in some way trapped or ‘pressured’ by the other person.

If this happens, the person with commitment phobia usually has to find a way to distance themselves from their partner.

In a long term relationship, this can, of course, cause a lot of hurt and upset to the partner of the person with commitment phobia.

The ‘Yo-Yo-ing’ effect in commitment phobia

This can happen when a commitment phobic is in a relationship, but suddenly feels trapped or pressured.  Their response is often to ‘run away’…. So they might sabotage or end the relationship, even at the expense of their partner’s feelings.

Once they have ‘run away’ from the relationship, the commitment phobic often starts to feel ‘emptiness’.  They start to realize that they did love their partner after all.  This emptiness… missing the other person, can often cause them to go back to them.

Of course, once back in the relationship again, and after everything has ‘settled down’, the relationship quickly starts to head back towards their ‘trigger’ again. 

“Now, before you left we were talking about getting married weren’t we”.

Before you know it, the commitment phobic is off again.  Then they’re back…. Then they’re off… and so on.

This ‘yo-yo-ing’ effect can go on for some time because the partner of the commitment phobic is often just so glad to get them back, that they’ll put up with all the uncertainty in between.

The Serial Commitment Phobic

Another way for a person with commitment phobia to avoid having to become involved in a long term relationship is to form a series of superficial relationships that are almost certainly never going to lead to anything more long-term.

This may give the commitment phobic the appearance of being promiscuous, or overly flirtatious, perhaps having a series of sexual partners for example. 

The person with commitment phobia may be labeled by their friends and family as promiscuous, but would rather have that, than become committed to a relationship.

The Fear of Commitment to Anything

Most of this article has been about the person who has commitment phobia and their personal relationships.   Of course, we mustn’t forget that commitment phobia can affect the person’s commitment to anything.

Someone with commitment phobia might find it difficult to gain job security, being afraid to pursue a career in case they get ‘stuck in a rut’.

A person with commitment phobia can feel their commitment phobia feelings come up at any time where they feel out of control, trapped, insecure, pressured, or ‘swamped’.

Often the commitment phobic will be afraid of losing their independence, or might fear losing sight of who they really are.

Therapy for Commitment Phobia

As a therapist, I fully appreciate just how common commitment phobia is. 

When I look at the stats on my own website, ‘commitment phobia’ is by far the most common search term that people have used to find my website.

However, because commitment phobia can affect almost any aspect of the commitment phobic’s life, it’s often the partner of the person suffering from commitment phobia that contacts a therapist or looks for information on commitment phobia.

It’s often the partner of the commitment phobic who has to find the information, and seek the help, and it is usually the partner of the commitment phobic who has to pick up the pieces, once the person with commitment phobia has left.

Understanding Commitment Phobia

Commitment phobia can be understood…  For both the person suffering with commitment phobia, and the partner of the commitment phobic, this understanding of commitment phobia can often make life so much easier.

Source: Paul Douglass MIAH Acc. D.Hyp. Adv. – Anxiety therapist specialising in Pure Hypnoanalysis in Cambridgeshire, UK

Date Added: 5th of July 2007

*Source: Paul Douglass MIAH Acc. D.Hyp. Adv. – Anxiety therapist specialising in Pure Hypnoanalysis in Cambridgeshire, UK

*http://www.anxietymatters.com

Commitment Phobia or Commitmentphobia

Commitment Phobia

*The term commitmentphobia was coined in the popular self-help book Men Who Can’t Love in 1987. Following criticism of the perceived sexist idea that only men were commitment phobic, the authors provided a more gender balanced model of commitment phobia in a later work, He’s Scared, She’s Scared.

 The word commitment seems to strike fear to the hearts, and minds of many men and women.

But the question is why?  Why are we so afraid to commit to someone that we love? Maybe many of us have seen other relationships fail again, and again, and we don’t want to be in that kind of situation. 

Commitment phobia could also be due to our own fear, fear that we will be let down by that person whom we hold dear to our hearts.   That perhaps we won’t measure up to the other person’s standards, so we protect ourselves, thus protecting our hearts.

Whatever the case may be, it is not just a male thing as we once thought, and actually, there are many women out there that have commitment phobia as well.

I don’t have the answers, but I will post some interesting information that I found on the subject matter.

Enjoy and Reflect.

 

*wikipedia.org

 

 

Love, Lust, and Romance

All the beings in the world, mammals, birds, marine species, etc. have an in-born lust so that they are able to mate and reproduce. Reproduction is the only way to continue the existence of the species. As such, lust is a basic biological need.

For the male and the female to get attracted to each other as well as for the selection of the most suitable mate, romance is necessary. Both lust and romance are gender-specific and occur normally between a male and female. On the other hand, love is universal and love is neither gender-specific nor species-specific. A man could love a woman or another man or an animal or a bird. Love knows no bounds. Let us make a brief analysis on the manifestation of love, romance and lust in human beings and the resultant repercussions of each one of them.

Love is a tender but deep feeling of attraction towards a being or an object. Love is not limited to any one single thing. You can love your dog and at the same time, you can love your dress. Love is expanding by nature and the more you love, the happier you feel. It is very difficult to restrict love because it is a second nature for all of us. We cannot live without love. The reasoning is very simple. Our first love is we ourselves. Unless you love yourself, you would not be able to live. Think for a minute. Those who commit suicide do it only in that fraction of a moment when they hate themselves, whatever is the reason for that. Our personal love progresses further to include members of our family, relatives, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and others in our community. Love could be mild in nature or an intense one. The intense love or desire makes you obsessive and highly possessive of that person or object of your love. All our problems and conflicts start at this point only.

There is one more thing about love. Love does not get restricted to physical objects. Even our emotional aspects are part of our love. You say, ‘I love swimming,’ ‘I love singing,’ etc. We can love even physical and emotional activities. Many of us love to daydream about several things. This is emotional love.

In English language, so many idioms use love as their theme. A few examples are given below.

Love is blind
Make love
Puppy love
Labor of love
No love lost
Fall in love
Not for love or money
All is fair in love and war
Love at first sight
Diane Ackerman wrote, ‘Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is.’ It is very difficult to describe love in words. To quote Barbara De Angelis, ‘Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible – it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could.’

While love encompasses everything, romance and lust occur normally between a male and female. Margaret Anderson said, ‘In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.’ Romance is always considered to be a pleasant experience. Maximum numbers of novels are based on romance only. So are many movies and television shows. However, many romances end as a failure because the initial infatuation covers up the negative traits. Later on, when the knowledge of such negative aspects starts growing, disenchantment sets in. As such, for a romance to succeed, both the partners should be clear on what each one expects from the other. An open discussion on such matters makes understanding each other easier and results in a harmonious relationship. It is important to enjoy the companionship and remain relaxed in a romantic relationship.

Psychologists hold that romantic love emerges purely from a desire for self-gratification. They feel that the illusions that lead to romantic love are very powerful emotions and have to be properly controlled.

On the other hand, lust is a somewhat dangerous one because mostly lust is an intense feeling. Lust could be between human beings or you could even lust after money or other material objects. When one is in lust, normally the thinking cap slips off and the results could be disastrous. Hence, deep and clear analysis and understanding the nature of your lust is very much needed. Lust is also a desire for self-gratification but much more powerful than a romantic love. When you lust after somebody or something, your strong craving to get that person or object tends to make you transgress borders. Controlling the emotion of lust is very difficult. Most of the time, after you have attained the person or object that you lusted after, a guilty feeling sets in. Hence, proper restrain in needed when you have the feeling of lust.

www.love-sessions.com/love_or_lust.htm

 

Love Pollution

Love Pollution

Ways you can improve the health of your Love environment. Just as we pollute our planet’s environment, we also pollute our relationships through our behavior and the methods we use to get what we want. No relationship is perfect. Every relationship needs maintenance, as well as a clean up from time to time, so that it can stay healthy and on the right track. Not only that, but a relationship also requires a couple to find new ways of cleaning it up- since a relationship changes and grows in time- with new experiences and issues. As much as we all want to keep our relationship happy at all times, it is just not a realistic desire. While you might have a lot in common with your partner, you two are still two individual human beings with your own personal goals, passions and desires that you wish to achieve in your lives. You and your partner may not always see eye to eye on everything and this causes conflicts. One or both of you may also get lazy in time, not investing as much effort as you used to when the relationship was young and fresh. Does this mean that your partner (or you) no longer cares? Probably not- but it does mean that you and your partner have settled in too deeply in the comfort zone of your relationship and need to get up and give your relationship a good work out, so that it can get back in shape. The following are common ways we pollute our relationships with negativity, as well as suggestions on how you can cleans things up and improve your relationship’s health. Polluter #1: Laziness  Laziness is never your friend. It holds you back and keeps you from accomplishing goals that will make you feel happy and fulfilled. Just as laziness hurts you in your academic and career field, it hurts you in your relationships as well. It is only natural that both you and your partner will become comfortable as your relationship matures. The more time you spend together, the less concerned you become with staying on your toes and impressing one another, because you trust that you both love each other. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable in a relationship. In fact, you should feel safe and comfortable with your partner. However, there is such thing as getting too comfortable in a relationship. If you hang out in the comfort zone most of the time, that means you are no longer trying to find ways to excite each other and bring new joys into the relationship. At one point, you two will drift apart and will become bored- leading one or both of you to perhaps look outside the relationship for excitement, and/or break up. What you can do: If your relationship is already suffering from the pollution of laziness, then it is time for both you and your partner to get up and get active! Do things to let your partner know that you are still crazy about him/her, as well as let him/her know things you would like for them to do for you, or with you. Find new places to visit together, new hobbies to get active in- whatever you both feel you will enjoy in each other’s company. It does not have to be anything big or extravagant, as long as you both work together in keeping the relationship active. Polluter #2: Arguments It is not really the arguing that is the polluter here, but more the way you argue that is. Arguing is normal and is important, because it plays a big role in bringing you and your partner closer together. Arguing is reasoning people give one another when they are for or against something. Through arguing, you and your lover learn the differences that exist between you and can use this information to understand each other better and therefore respect each other more, as well as behave more considerately towards one another. Arguments can help a relationship become even stronger and healthier…when you do it in a positive manner. Unfortunately, we often handle arguments in a negative manner, because to most of us arguments equal negative and this point of view causes us to behave negatively in an argument.  Before you know it, what is supposed to be a constructive and learning experience, ends up being a fight of him vs. her with the goal to win and be right, rather than working together in finding a compromise. What you can do: First of all, it is important that you keep reminding yourself that arguments are not a bad thing. Keep reminding yourself this until you truly understand it, so that the next time you get involved in an argument with your partner, you will not have your defenses up ready to enter a fight. Instead enter an argument with an open mind and heart, ready to problem solve- rather than enter a fighting contest. Do not be afraid or shy to talk to your partner about arguing. Remember, open and honest communication is key and if you and your lover talk about this when you two are happy and not arguing, you will be able to set your goals about this open and clear mindedly. It is essential that you both remember that when arguments do come to surface, the point is to attack the problem and not the person. Getting angry and feeling hurt during arguments is okay, as long as you express your anger and hurt productively and not in a way to just hurt your part back.   Polluter #3: Denial Denial is a huge relationship polluter. Many of us want to desperately believe that everything is fine or will work itself out in our relationship, causing us to blind ourselves from many truths.  Every relationship will have problems and obstacles that are both painful and anger inducing, so while you can denial problems all you want- you are actually only making things worse for your relationship. Ignoring problems does not make them go away, but in fact makes them grow and grow until your relationship is hanging by its last thread. There are times when two people will grow apart and break up because of that, but often times; a relationship does not have to fall apart due to problems. Most relationship troubles can be worked out, but that requires the acceptance of these troubles from both partners involved. What you can do: Be realistic and accept the fact that you and your partner can love each others and have problems at the same time. Understanding that having conflicts between you and your partner does mean you do not love each other anymore will help you avoid entering the denial zone. When a problem comes along, talk to your partner about it and do not avoid conversation when your partner approaches you about something. Brushing issues off will actually tear you two apart, because issues cannot work themselves out. If you really want to be with your partner, then you need to be a team member in your relationship at all times- the good and the bad. If do not want to lose your relationship and you want to make it last, then do not pretend everything is perfect. Love your relationship unconditionally by accepting it’s imperfections and teaming up with your lover in making improvements where they are needed (whether it is in the communication, trust, passion or commitment department) so your relationship can strengthen from both it’s positive and negative sides, rather than weaken due to denial on your or your partner’s part.

Relationships

I have always been intrigued by love and relationships, but mainly the relationships between Men and Women.  There are so many different aspects to the Male Female relationship. We find that marriage is not as important today as it was when many of our Grandmothers were growing up. Why is the question that I always ask myself? What happened to commitment? When did it become more of words than of action?  These are some of the questions that I would like to address on my blog.

 

“Don’t let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life. Relationships work best when they are balanced”.  Anonymous